The Kitty Psychic Network is running a special today through the end of this month: all readings and other services are 50% off. Professional cat psychics, faith healers, exorcists, fortune tellers, mind readers, Wiccans, hypnotists, mediums, empaths, numerologists, astrologers, pagans, and shamans are standing by (well, who’s kidding whom? These psychic kitties are lounging lazily by in the sun, waiting for your call). Call 1-900-Cat-Guru now for a personalized cat reading.

Vladimas, Kitty Astrologer and Paw Reader

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Have you always wanted to have an astrological cat birth chart created just for you? Or have you always wanted to have the wandering lines on your paws read? Your wait is over! Enter Vladimas, Kitty Astrologer and Paw Reader, to take stock of your nine lives.

Merlin, Kitty Faith Healer and Exorcist

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Are you in need of a light clearing or a full-out exorcism? Ghosts, evil spirits, possession–no job is too big or too small for Merlin, Kitty Faith Healer and Exorcist. Merlin will take them all on. Results guaranteed.

Fortuna, Professional Kitty Fortune Teller

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With an uncanny knack for sensing the subtle vibrations of what is to come, Fortuna can help you decide on the best course of action in your affairs. Have a question about which litter is best, what cat food to buy, or whether the new kitten will adjust to life in your 20-cat household, Fortuna can help! Her accuracy is over 99% likely.

Jupiter, Star Kitty, Mind Reader, and Hypnotist

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Jupiter is a kitty star child from a galaxy far, far away. He was sent here by the Grand Kitty Pumba to help kitty-lings navigate this dense material world. Feel out of sorts and off balance? Jupiter can recalibrate your life.

Esperanza, Psychic Kitty Medium Extraordinaire

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The penetrating gaze of Esperanza’s yellow psychedelic kitty eyes can see into the depths of your troubled, heavy cat soul, whether you are near or far, within paw’s reach or on another continent.

Ursula, Kitty Guide to Angels, Fairies, and Nymphs

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Want to know the names of your personal angels, fairies, and nymphs? Not only can Ursula tell you their names, she can count how many of each you have and teach you how to count them yourself. She can also give you tips and tricks for getting messages from them yourself.

Venus, Psychic Love Life Kitty Empath

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Does your love life never seem to work out? Do you have relationship questions? Do you want to know how you can win the heart of a luxurious Persian or sleek and svelte Siamese? Venus is a feline relationship dynamo and her recommendations are fail-proof.

Calypso, Indigo Kitten and Psychic in Training

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Something has been a little off with Calypso from birth. Highly intelligent, hyperactive, super-sensitive–these were all tell-tale signs he is an Indigo kitten. Get a reading from Calypso while you can–before his other-worldly intuitive capabilities sky-rocket him to the big time of psychic kitties.

Orion, Nimble-Minded Kitty Numerologist

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Do you wonder whether your birth date signifies doom and gloom or everlasting bliss for your future? Orion can map your kitty numerological chart and describe what is written in the constellations about your destiny.

Agatha, Kitty Pet Psychic Specializing in Canines

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Do you wonder why your pesky pooch drools, smells, and eats kitty tootsie rolls? Agatha, Kitty Pet Psychic, can answer these particular inquires and more of your burning questions about your yucky canine’s behavior and motivations.

Leviathan, Wiccan Pagan Kitty Practitioner

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A dabbler in the Dark Arts and the Occult, Leviathan can cast any type of spell or blessing you require–from love spells, prosperity spells, and house blessings to voodoo revenge spells. Blessed be.

Galahad, Professional Kitty Communicator with the Great Beyond

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When Galahad squints his beady golden eyes, the veil between the worlds magically thins, and he can mysteriously extract information from ghosts, ancestors, or other dearly departed felines. He can even channel information from the Great Kitty Spirit who is at the center of all creation.

Zeus, Kitty Shaman Specializing in Seances

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Rattling, drumming, dancing, reading bones from kitty skeletons–Zeus does what it takes to get the answers you seek. Zeus’s specialty is seances. He’s able to bring through the spirits of departed felines–whether their deaths were recent or decades or even millennia ago. Have a hankering to talk with the beloved majestic kitty of a Pharaoh? Zeus is the shamanic kitty cat for you!