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This fine feline specimen’s name is Magestic, the holy, unsoiled, exalted, transcendent one. He’d prefer that you just refer to him by his nickname, Lord Buddha Kitty. He’s here to guide you through some–well frankly–disturbing pictures that illustrate the destructiveness, misbehavior, and down-right undeniably yucky characteristics of the stinking, panting, howling, icky, uncleanly canine.

Spastic Pooch

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[Majestic snarling] “Watch it there, douche bag of unbridled, spastic doggie energy! Down boy, down! What part of that do you not understand? Apparently all of it since you continue to insist on greeting every human, adult and child, by pouncing on them. You are–I’m sorry to be so blunt–a nondiscriminating doofus.”

Slurpy Pooch

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[Magestic giving a low-rumbled groan] “Nothing like a bacteria-and-protozoa-filled slurp across the guy’s chin, lips, and nose to show your unconditional love! Sick!”

Destructive Pooch

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[Magestic yowling] “Seriously, is a dog THAT stupid? The most I have ever done–and that was only once–was unfurl the toilet paper roll. Sure, the human was mad, but whatever, she still loves me unconditionally and is undyingly devoted to me. Dumb pooch is gonna be disemboweled.”

Panting Pooch

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[Magestic grunting] “There’s a face only a mother could love, if I ever saw one. Ickiness! Sticky, sloppy, stretchy, nasty dog drool on the hardwood floor! Pfffff.”

Wet, Stinky Pooch

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[Majestic licking paw nonchalantly] “Sure, dude, you look repentant, but do you even realize why you are being shunned? Yucky, repulsive wet dog smell–is there anything more of a turnoff than that? We cats clean ourselves.”

Ear Drum Shattering Pooch

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[Majestic meowing loudly] “Good lord, don’t you get it? We hear you already! From yippy little foo-foo tea-cup poodles and yorkies (gaaaag) to howling labs and Golden Retrievers, do you dogs ever shut up? Take a chill pill for once. We heard you the first 10 barks.”

Unloading a Warm One Pooch

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[Majestic turning head in disgust] “Is there anything more disgusting and repulsive than unloading a warm one in the white, pure snow?!”

Ewww Pooch

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[Majestic hissing] “Uck! As if we needed more evidence of the uncivilized ways of the pooch! If you can’t use a litter box, at least learn to hold it, you boorish brute.”

No Self-Respect Pooch

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[Majestic hiding eyes with paws] “My eyes, my eyes! I’m blinded by your imprudent stupidity. No cat would ever wear any cutesy outfit, let alone the Santa garb. Get some self-respect.”

Pink Bows in the Dreadlocks Pooch

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[Majestic hissing even louder] “Another stupid canine?! As if the Santa attire was not bad enough, now I’m looking at pink bows in–what are you a poodle or what–dreadlocks? What is there left to say? You have no dignity, no self-worth, no pride. It’s just very sad, very, very, very sad.”

Sniffing the Junk Pooch

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[Majestic snorting] “Whoa there, buster! You just met that dude, and you’re already smelling his, uh, junk. Have you no manners, no sense of propriety, you perverted, amoral, degenerate canine?”

[Majestic rolling over and playing dead for she can no longer be exposed to the uncouth antics of the repugnant canine]