They Have Secretly Organized in to a Crypto-Nazi Society
“A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.”-Mark Twain Notebook, 1895
If this is not definitive proof that cats have a secret plan to take over the planet, then tell me, what is? Here we see the mastermind of the CATLIT (Cats Arise – Terrorize Local Impudent Two-Footers – i.e. humans!!) taken by our intrepid undercover agent. He was able to upload the image before being caught and thrown, without mercy, to the kittens. The swine! Well, feline would be more accurate but you get the drift.
They Have a Secret Service
“In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.”-English Proverb
Another secretly taken photographic shows one of the High Commanders of CATLIT being guarded by her group of Secret Service Felines. Do not be fooled by the restive and laid back air of this apparently harmless grouping. This group of blood thirsty murderers had recently viciously (and without provocation) attacked and devoured three mice, two gerbils and a sparrow. The heartless cads.
Their Secret Service Infiltrates All Level of Society
“Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.”-Unknown
A rare photo of the Black Ninja Assassin Sect – last located in down town Tokyo but who have recently disappeared, leading Intelligence to believe that a full scale cat attack is imminent. Look at the pitiless eyes, the cold killer stares and admit to yourself there is reason to worry.
They Have a Secret Pirate Cabal
” God made the cat in order that humankind might have the pleasure of caressing the tiger.”-Fernand Mery
The dispassionate stare of a seasoned killer. This is one of the leaders of the, until recently, secret cabal of feline pirates. Walter, named after a certain Mr Raleigh of Elizabethan pirating fame, is close to the top of the CATLIT hierarchy and it will be his mission, when the attack comes, to spread confusion and chaos among humanity. If you own a cat and think it may be part of the Pirate Cabal, listen closely when he is sleeping. If, instead of going “purrrrr” your cat instead emits an “Arrrrr” noise, then your worst fears will be confirmed.
They Are Highly Trained and Armed To The Teeth
The youth wing of KITCAT must be taken seriously, perhaps even more than their full grown counterparts because it is among the kitten population that true fanaticism exists. Trained as expert snipers, these kittens regularly take pot shots as dogs as they are walked, showing true disregard for the equality of species as laid down by the Aquaviva Convention. If you own a dog and the poor things yelp suddenly for no apparent reason whilst being walked then you can be sure that a member of the youth wing of KITCAT is sniggering on a window ledge nearby.
They Know How to Exploit New Technologies
“Dogs come when they’re called. Cats take a message and get back to you.”-Mary Bly
Cats have no fear of exploiting new technology in their war against us. In fact, they are encouraged from kitten hood to immerse themselves in the internet. Several humans of middle eastern origin have recently been jailed for researching bomb making on the internet. Professing their innocence strongly, little did they know that they were the unwitting dupes of the feline super villains they once called “Mr Tibbles” and “Angel Princess”. If you think your cat is simply entranced by your fish tank screen saver, think again. While you are in the kitchen opening the latest can of de-luxe Tuna chunks (and beware, cats much prefer dolphin, by their own admission), young Atticus the Catticus is plotting the next outrage.
They Have Strange Hypnotic Powers
“There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.”=-Anonymous
Another member of the youth arm of KITKAT tries to fool its unwitting human “owner” in to thinking it is just a super cute ball of fur. However, every now and again their guard goes down and their true nature can be relieved. Look at the insatiable thirst for power in the eyes of this villain and shudder! This is the true face of evil.
They Have Undergone Highly Intensive Training
In order to effect world domination, KITKAT have been pursuing rigorous physical training, sometimes involving highly elaborate military training grounds, tucked away in the back gardens of their human “owners” and masquerading as harmless garden furniture. Here a member of KIKTAT trains secretly, unaware that he has been caught on film by another one of our undercover agents. We must act now to extinguish this feline threat before it is too late! Today, the back garden, tomorrow your rugs, settees and Wedgwood china!
They have a Special Air Service
“One reason we admire cats is for their proficiency in one-upmanship. They always seem to come out on top, no matter what they are doing, or pretend they do.”-Barbara Webster
Another great photo opportunity, or so the hapless “owner” of this elite band of trained assassins believes. As the day of the master plan draws near, many cats are becoming lackadaisical about whether or not their future slaves see them in their training routines. Notice the cat in the bottom right hand corner, carefully taking in whether or not his training has worked or not. This offhand attitude only goes to show the dismissive attitude that cats have towards us and what little regard they have for us.
They Have Secret Powers of Levitation
“I have noticed that what cats most appreciate in a human being is not the ability to produce food which they take for granted–but his or her entertainment value.”-Geoffrey Household
Caught in a moment of distraction, this cat is all the proof that is needed to show that the feline species has been quietly interbreeding with an unknown alien race who can levitate and that skill is being passed down the generations. While this phenomenon is still rare, it seems to be on the increase and can be traced back to around the same point in time as the high speed digital camera. However, when all cats have this ability they will strike and humanity will be reduced to a subjugated role while the cats live a life of irresponsibility and decadent and degenerate sexual partnering.
They know how to put on the “Mata Hari”
“Cats spit on their hands and rub it all over their bodies.”-Unknown
Cats will stoop to anything in their unquenchable thirst for power and here is all you need to see to realize that they have been purveying kitty porn for decades in the guise of cute pictures which their “owners” then frame and show off to guests and friends. In fact, this cat is performing an unspeakable act on itself which would shock and horrify you were it to be named. So perverse if the act that you would probably have to look it up in a dictionary.
After all of this evidence, do you need any further proof that cats are evil and plan to take over the world? Run, run and tell you and don’t look back!
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User Comments
Arie Uittenbogaard
On July 25, 2008 at 9:55 am
You have outdone yourself this time, RJ. Broad smiles.
Allison West
On July 25, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Hi RJ, I had you on my friends list and really love your work. I’m relatively new here, and look up to successful writers like you. As I’m reading your article, I’m looking at a letter I got today from a local cat rescue, begging me for funds to save cats who have been tortured (starved, blinded, etc.)
I just think this was a wrong choice of topic. I have a sense of humor but I think this sends the wrong message, “cats are evil” even in jest. Reminds me of those sites like “I can haz no cheezeburger” where cats are ridiculed and put in funny situations for our amusement. This wasn’t a responsible article, in my opinion. Not too animal friendly, but maybe that’s just my take on it, because I’m such a cat lover.
Best wishes,
Allison
Lost in Arizona
On July 25, 2008 at 6:37 pm
After the day I’ve had today with my girls, this was a much needed laugh. I don’t know how you come up with such remarkable witticism, but you do. Clever, very clever. Ninja kitties…lol.
Juliane Elliott
On July 26, 2008 at 4:07 am
Fun stuff!
Hello from Berlin
On July 26, 2008 at 7:01 am
RJ you are tully a master of whit! Keep it up!
B Nelson
On July 26, 2008 at 10:10 am
As a multi cat family (all are fixed of course), I found this to be very amusing, my cats didnt like it though. They want your full name and address so they can look for you.
Mark Gordon Brown
On July 26, 2008 at 10:20 am
yeah.. our cats say they want to send you a thank you package… I am not sure what they mean by that…
Laura Lee
On July 26, 2008 at 10:41 am
Awesome cats!!! My dog trainer always told me that dogs do not hold grudges, however, cats do!
I would like to invite you back to see my well dressed, fashion savvy dogs! I hope they will be published soon!! I think you will enjoy them!
Laura Lee
Catherine South
On July 26, 2008 at 11:17 am
I don’t think my cat’s an undercover agent.
She believes she’s an alarm clock. Every morning at an unholy hour, she climbs on the bed and proceeds to knead my bladder while howling Christmas carols at me.
Ruby Hawk
On July 26, 2008 at 9:40 pm
You can own a dog but you can’t own a cat. They take no orders and are always their own boss.
PatrickTheWorthless
On July 27, 2008 at 12:10 am
R J Evans, f-u-n-n-y!!! Ms West shame on you, any thing that opens our eyes and hearts to animals are good things. R J, i loved this. i have been taken over by atleast 15 or so cats. on the first page of the bible it says that beast have no souls. that is why i believe the only good time they will have, is the good time we give them. and for those people who hurt them, they do have a special place in hell for them. R J, i loved the pictures and saved everyone of them. i hope your agents didn’t get caught. and R J, be carefull if you recieve packages from B Nelson and Mark Brown. the package’s are not from them!!!! i really liked the sniper kitten!!
Nicki B.
On July 27, 2008 at 4:19 am
Oh my! Watch out for the Kittie G.B.!
Anne Lyken-Garner
On July 28, 2008 at 9:54 am
This is great! It’s a wonder that the wit escapes some people.
Hilary
On July 29, 2008 at 5:58 am
Love it! My own little furry black assassin awaits me everytime I return home from work to stalk me around the house hoping I’ll drop some clues from my day in the outside world. Keep up the fight! ;oP
catty
On July 29, 2008 at 8:58 am
Good point Allison,
This might seem good fun to us cat lovers but it does play on a stereotype of cats that is all too often used to justify cruelty to them in the real world.
Gale Barker
On July 30, 2008 at 4:18 am
Cats don’t believe they are God. They know it.
zelliot
On July 30, 2008 at 8:33 am
hahaha, very very interesting and amusing, RJ! this one made my day!
L F Calland
On July 30, 2008 at 10:31 am
The best article I read in the last days. I’m still laughing, RJ.
Nick Howes
On July 30, 2008 at 11:04 am
And people have been insisting I’m crazy.
Not about cats. I was right about that.
Just that I’m crazy.
Allison West
On July 30, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Thanks Catty for your comment, that’s exactly what I meant by my response. Just that there is a stereotype of cats sometimes that seems to justify cruelty to them, I agree. I felt like wet blanket with my comment and was sure most would not understand where I was coming from, so thanks.
I don’t think RJ meant any harm to cats with this article, so perhaps I was a bit hasty to speak out. I really love cats, so it was a knee jerk response to defend them!
RJ wrote me a note after I left that comment and I thought that was very kind! Thank you RJ! I wish you the best and will keep reading your fantastic articles here (thanks for reading mine also!)
Optimus Prime
On July 31, 2008 at 12:25 am
My cat tried to slit my throat while I was sleeping, so I threw him in the oven for 60 minutes at 350ยบ and served him for breakfast. GOD I love cats!
blooeyes36
On July 31, 2008 at 11:07 am
i love cats and these are cute
Neverty Agisti
On July 31, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Haaah hoahm! I’m sleepy my cat is funny. It even never seem like evil. He is cute after all. Hoahm! Don’t believe that your cat is evil!
Same with above
On July 31, 2008 at 11:41 pm
It even never seems like an evil. He is cute after all. Hoahm! Don’t believe that your cat is evil! Trust me!
desmonrock21
On August 1, 2008 at 11:45 am
Double thumbs up! this was the funniest thing I ever seen.
Jessica Rowe
On August 2, 2008 at 10:36 am
I love this I am going to send it to my mom.
canucanoe2
On August 2, 2008 at 11:48 am
As an animal lover that has had many cats in the family over the years I just have to say to A. West… Get a sense of humor. It seems obvious to me that RJ knows cats pretty well to come up such a humorous overall picture of them. One doesn’t get to know cats that well unless one has had them as family members at one time or another.
Lighten up Allison.
Nelson Doyle
On August 2, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Wow, another fantastic article. This one had me laughing uncontrollably and your wit has no limits. Great job, RJ Evans, and keep up the excellent story-telling.
God Bless,
Nelson Doyle
vbj
On August 2, 2008 at 5:00 pm
vh
Mr Nine Lives
On August 2, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Not so fast Baby Puppy!
Gonusi
On August 3, 2008 at 11:36 am
A great storry, made me laugh..
tonisan60
On August 4, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I have a cat, a pretty one, so I am a slave of the feline race, at least I hope to be taken by catwoman, jeje, nice work, very humorous.
Claps and hugs
william rodriguez II
On August 4, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Nice,very funny images!
Carol H
On August 5, 2008 at 8:05 am
I’m so glad I found this….funny as hell!
Well done!
Mariya Raya
On August 5, 2008 at 11:43 am
I have two cute Toms – a white – 2 years and a ginger – 5 years old, they are almost human already, the killer instinct is still there when killing mice and birds but it’s far from any comarison with the evil that men can do – rape and kill with subtle cruelty. I only hope that all this is for fun nothing serious….
Khalina
On August 5, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Haha…I love what you did with this work. i love the Mafia cats, its really funny when you look at the picture and read what u wrote, its nice. good job.
Arc
On August 7, 2008 at 5:19 am
That’s perfect.
Saundra A.
On August 8, 2008 at 11:06 am
We really liked the cat he even has a Hitler mustache,cute.
G. Grissom
On August 10, 2008 at 1:47 am
The title says it all and is 100% without a doubt the almighty truth! I, personally, hate cats!! I mean hate!! I LOVE my doggies, though! I have 2 schi-tzus; Gismo (girl) and Bandit (boy)!! They are my other 2 kids and go everywhere we go!! Just like American Express card…we don’t leave home without them!! LOL!!
Karen N
On August 17, 2008 at 8:49 am
Very cute article!
sk8er21
On September 17, 2008 at 11:58 am
these cats r awsome wtf r u thinkin saying there evil……….
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
On September 17, 2008 at 12:03 pm
THES CAT ARE AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rashail
On September 18, 2008 at 6:48 am
This article makes these feline creatures look so cute tht they hardly qualify as evil…great pics…
shaun simpson
On October 7, 2008 at 1:56 am
i’ll ever trust a cat again! i alway thought they were so ute and loving but there not to be trusted the evil critters!!!!
Ori Sonata
On November 30, 2008 at 10:38 am
Some people indeed, have been assimilated into the Cat Society.
http://media.playpark.com/PicPlayGallery/9_37_00%20AM_cosplay_darkstalkers_felicia02.jpg
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c164/dragonunlimited/Anime/catgirl.jpg
stewie (family guy)
On March 17, 2009 at 7:40 am
yes the are evil but one day they sahall bow to me.
FATMAN.change my nappy
genral liam of catlit
On June 12, 2009 at 2:52 am
1- kitcat is trained not to shoot dogs
2- our ninjas are no based in tokyo
3- we can all hypnotise
4- we have big training camps for cats of all ages
5- we don’t crossbreed with aliens but just have speacial powers
6- about 75% of these cats saw your agents tapeing them
7- spit heals and helps fur
8- no such thing as cat porn
9- you are all doomed to my army mu ha ha ha
not saying
On June 22, 2009 at 2:02 pm
i think this is applesauce, my cat is really nice and woud have killed me by now
Aussie girl
On August 8, 2009 at 7:51 pm
LMAO… very well done RJ you have hit the nail on the head they sure are scheming and evil.. I have a cat and i\’ve caught her sitting there giving me the evil eye always wondered what she was thinking now I know.. mind you though she can be nice, she brings me gifts and drops them on my bed to show me how much she cares (mice, headless birds, lizards… lol)
Stewie Griffin
On September 3, 2009 at 7:41 am
how to turn a cat into a dog?
pour petrol on it and it will go woof
Stewie
Glynis Smy
On October 30, 2009 at 10:09 am
*Smile* Interesting, thanks.
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