The statistics are incomplete on how many people are murdered each year by their cats. It usually appears as if it is an accident, “he tripped on the stairs”, “she was hit on the head by a falling roof tile”, or “they were found dead, horribly mauled, they think it was a Grizzly…”
If these incidents would truly be investigated, you would learn the man tripped over his beloved kitty on the way down the steps to get his meowing pet some more cat food, the woman had noticed her cat “playing” on the roof the day before the tragedy, and the family ravaged by a bear?
Their group of well-cared for felines were fastidiously grooming themselves when the authorities showed up, but trace amounts of blood and tissue were still to be found in their claws if only someone had known to look. Don’t be a statistic, learn to spot the red flags.
It starts out innocently enough. You get the feeling you’re being watched…
You feel maybe you’re being paranoid…
You laugh it off…
You may say to yourself, why am I so jumpy lately?
But then, you catch a glimpse of something sinister….
That look that says, “I’m better than you.”
“You repulse me.”
“If I could get away with it, I would bite your chewy face off.”
But this is your cuddly kitten, you have nothing to fear, right? Wrong! Don’t get lulled into a false sense of security. If this animal wants you dead, only constant vigilance will save you.
First you have to figure out the motive for wanting you eliminated. Here are the top three causes.
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Alcohol and substance abuse. Alcohol, illegally obtained kitty prescriptions, and catnip are everywhere these days. If your cat is a junkie, his wild, aggressive side will be unleashed.
What to do? One day at time, my friend. You can get your kitty all the help he needs with just a few $1000 sessions at a good residential cat rehab center. At one of these facilities, your kitty will be able to get the relaxation and reflection they need to heal their shattered psyche.
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Past grudges. Wake up, your cat isn’t likely to forgive you for anything. If your list of wrongdoings, real or imagined, gets too long, your cat is going to be looking for some sweet revenge. Did you move your kitty to get a better seat on the couch? Did you put a hat on your kitty because it would make a “really adorable” picture? Did you- Lord help you- try to bath your kitties? These behaviors are all an invitation to be murdered in your sleep.
What to do? Start sucking up right now. It is time to throw pride out the window. Does your cat climb the curtains? So what! Does he lay on the counters? Big deal! Does he stick his face in your coffee cup? You get him dewormed, so don’t worry about it. Don’t rule out gifts, like maybe an expensive sound system? Maybe a little “treat” you can pick up at Petco?
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You’re lame and he doesn’t need you. He’s a cat. You’re unnecessary. Just admit it to yourself, OK? Just own it.
What to do? Give up, throw in the towel. It is time to relocate. An island would be good. While you’re at it, get a dog, too, a big one that isn’t easily intimidated, or willing to sell you out for the next pretty face.
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User Comments
diamondpoet
On October 8, 2009 at 10:24 am
That was insane, and very cleaver, I like it.
CeilingCat
On October 8, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Dude, you totally should have used the ceiling cat picture (Ceili ng cat is watching you masturbate) picture for the paranoid/watching you parts.
misterguy
On October 8, 2009 at 7:20 pm
lol
thats all I can say
Netty net
On October 9, 2009 at 12:34 am
what a grate story.
clafleur
On October 9, 2009 at 2:38 am
I like it
Tina Cassello
On October 9, 2009 at 4:21 am
Wonderful piece of writing with a little truth to it and I loved the photos. They were so apropos.
RusstheDog
On October 9, 2009 at 7:28 am
Brilliant! Give me a cat to chew on any day!
Louie Jerome
On October 9, 2009 at 9:00 am
Great pics!
Borlok VA
On October 9, 2009 at 10:22 am
Definitely gave us a laugh. Thank you.
Bo Jack Russo
On October 9, 2009 at 10:47 am
Brilliant!
www.fionabeck.com
On October 9, 2009 at 11:15 am
I started laughing from the first sentence! Thank you so much! This was hilarious! Im about to email the link to everyone!
Marie Antoinette
On October 9, 2009 at 11:48 am
This was really good, I needed a good chuckle, so creative! Loved it! I have five cats, and I can relate to your article, especially # 2; and all those looks.
Sourav
On October 9, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Nice article… interesting!
Sarah Sullins
On October 9, 2009 at 6:08 pm
That was hilarious to read. Thank you.
thestickman
On October 9, 2009 at 6:47 pm
very clever!
Snooky
On October 9, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Great ! My cats walk with me all the time , between my feet in front of my feet in unison. I have stepped on their feet many time trying not to be tripped. Your article has a lot of punch the pictures are treasure. I really liked it
inspor587
On October 10, 2009 at 1:07 am
nice
Gassart
On October 10, 2009 at 5:08 am
Witty! That was a wonderful read!
2crows
On October 10, 2009 at 7:32 am
Halarious and Inspireing. Loved every minute of it.
KamaraAlex
On October 10, 2009 at 7:49 am
Thats it i will never have a cat ever again!!! great topic it was really funny
violetwrites aka joy leftow
On October 10, 2009 at 10:54 am
aww I’m such a sucker for cats. I love cats. Well done with the photo story montage.
I do cat rescue and also write poetry reviews and interviews.
http://joyleftowsblog.blogspot.com
cutedrishti8
On October 10, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Interesting article..
Lisa Palas
On October 10, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I like to animals. The cats cannot protect themselvez always.Clever animals. Good to look at their game. We have to look after them. Very beautiful animals.
stefonalfaro
On October 10, 2009 at 4:12 pm
This was too funny.
Doaa Abdelfattah
On October 10, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Lol
Very funny and clever of you,I think everybody loves cats.
nicolamfield
On October 10, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Thanks for the laugh. Great read! And loved the pic’s…
John Clarkston Pendragon
On October 11, 2009 at 1:24 am
That was a cool story, and the pics went well with it.
ShaVonCedeno
On October 11, 2009 at 1:47 am
Wow! I thought I was the only one who felt that way. You are brilliantly catty!
Carolyn Cordon
On October 11, 2009 at 7:14 am
I knew it, I knew it! Finally the truth is out there. Thank you so much. I’m so glad I have my big dogs to protect me!
Those cats are definitely out to get us all. Don’t be fooled!
samod
On October 12, 2009 at 12:36 pm
OMG!!!!!!!!!!we need to stop them now!!!!!!!!!LOL!!!!!
WriteEditSeek
On October 26, 2009 at 11:43 am
Oh man, that was so hilarious! Nicely executed (uh, pun intended?)!
Payge
On October 29, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Laughed all the way through this one and loved it.Very well written and the pics set it off to perfection.But now im in deep trouble,I have a fat cat that thinks she owns the house and not me.Its a good thing I now know what to look for if she starts acting strange.
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